friendships that suck, part 1

my story //

i have been hurt. a lot. i have been burned. used. deceived. i  have been forgotten. i’m prepared to throw in the towel and hold up a sign. No Vacancy for Friendships. so basically: friendships suck.

did you know? –>>  i am sensitive. ultra-sensitive. therefore, coping mechanisms abound.

i portray a thick-skinned sharp-tongue, quick-speaking girl. i pretend that you can’t affect me. you can’t own my feelings. you’re not allowed to make me feel this way. i refuse to waste one minute of my time stuck in your lackluster graces.

2 friends. completely unrelated. without notice, stopped talking to me. did not return my phone call. did not respond to my note. i do not have details. i have no idea what i did wrong, how to remedy. how to apologize.

eventually, i retreated. i hid away hoping that the shock of the ended friendship would not have long-lasting effects. the lack of knowing forces me to respond with frustration and hurt.

my soul was heavy-burdened.

//this past year has been hard. i am finally willing to share. publicly.

i admit. i fail at friendship. i fail often. i say the wrong thing. do the wrong thing. encourage the wrong way. open mouth/insert foot. i hurt feelings. i hurt people. i hurt friends. but this past year has been especially hard on me… between grieving the loss of 2 friendships +  then dealing with friends that i thought were friends… that were not friends. i feel stupid.

the chance of reconciliation is unlikely because i do not like to get burned twice by the same heat.

// a challenge for you.

if you no longer want to be someone’s friend; no matter the reason —>> i urge you – allow your friends some closure. allow them to have healing. truth hurts. but sometimes, we just need to know what we did wrong so we can do it different the next time.


i am clearly not the expert here. but i just want to share some heaviness on my heart about friendships. don’t worry though, i will come back for round 2 where i tell you about the amazing, supportive, loving, Christ-focused friends that offer me unlimited grace, acceptance and love far beyond anything i deserve. some of the non-friends or missing-friends in my life have made it possible for me to create new friendships; all is not lost.

in my humble opinion there are 7  friendships that suck. big time. in a major way. they hurt the soul. crumble our confidence. they build walls. take us away from our purpose and expose us to unnecessary difficulties.

#1: oh jealousy.

ever had one of those? you land a new job. buy a new house or a car. or perhaps you just have a minor addiction to Coach leather bags and that just rubs them the wrong way. suddenly, whatever their attachment to the item in your life, they just can’t deal with you anymore. jealousy. bitter, evil jealousy drives wedges in the middle of true friendship.

#2: uses & abuses.

this is a sneaky approach; perhaps even unintentional by the culprit. they contact you a few days before they need you. they work weasel themselves into your life. again. & again. you play along thinking that perhaps THIS time they are being genuine. and then they ask you for something. for something that close friends would never ask of you. they take advantage of your talents. your gifts. your job. your abilities. your tools.

#3: joy-robbers.

everything in their life sucks. bad. everything is worse for them than for you. they share details about their life, their marriage, their family that does not build up. this relationship tears down. it robs your joy. you know that every interaction will result in a ‘woe is me’!

#4: selfishly.

there are people in this world that truly believe that the planets evolve in perfect rotation around them. gimme gimme. more more. me me me. conversations are one-sided. they are looking to be elevated. confirmed. they collect friendships like nail polishes. try them on, wipe them off, change the color — seeking for the perfect companion to confirm that their selfishness is somehow okay.

 #5: the copycat.

she wants to be you. just like you. wants your determination. wants your friends. your situation. oh, if they only knew about the not-so-great that comes with this life. convincing someone that they should not desire your life; how unsatisfying.

#6: drama mama.

exhausting. high maintenance. someone makes your tough situation radically about them. requires the center of attention and unless you cave into that 100% of the time, you’re suddenly not being enough to them.

#7: perfectionist.

yep, you know the one… they have to be right. it has to be there way or no way. stubborn. this is the kind of person that has schedules and time-frames and deadlines and abides by them like a rite of passage. if you know me well enough, you know this is me. more or less!

how many of these  have you been? for me… at one point or another, i played all of these roles.

// in conclusion: snarkiness is rude. sarcasm is bitterness robbing true joy. unbalanced friendship can results in hurt hearts. heaviness. thankless support.

let’s all band together to show genuine, selfless friendship. let’s learn to hold our tongues. oh! they are malicious and evil and troublesome. they are vile and wicked. they scorn. mock. gossip. lie. cheat. stealing breath from Holiness and giving to the earthly sin of flesh.

James 3:6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.

Part 2 arrived!

QUICK UPDATE –>> {read the comments friends — hearts are hurting, searching, begging for answers. i am literally in tears reading & responding to your hearts. thank you for sharing!}

hi there.

I'm a Christian, married to Lenny, the Gluten Free Dad and raising our 3 kids together on the east coast while enjoying the sun, ocean breezes + cupcakes.

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  1. Rob Stathem says

    I’ve felt very hurt by friendships as well — often times I’m looked at for being “needy” for wanting to be thanked for doing kind deeds for friends. How shameful of me to want my friends to thank me for expressing kindness to them! Right! Lol.

    I think “thank you” is one of those musts in a friendship!! If we aren’t thanked, how do we really know if the other person respects us?

    Thank you for sharing,

  2. Thank you for sharing, I thought I was the only one with friendship problems. You really hit the nail on the head with this one. I keep coming back to being authentic and focusing on what is important to you… the friendship will follow.
    Check out this book that really helped solidify some of the problems I was facing.

  3. It was truly refreshing to read this post! Thank you for it! I had a friend – closer than a sister – we had been close friends like that for over 5 years (we originally lived minutes away from each other then we both ended up moving to different states, but remained close {as in the kind of close where you call each other to laugh about random things that happened to us that day.}) …. Then I noticed she hadn’t been in contact. I waited awhile, assuming she must be busy. Then I eventually tried to call, text, and email off and on over the course of a week … no response. Then I saw she had un-friended me on Facebook. I was in complete shock 🙁 When I finally was able to get a hold of her and asked her what I had done (genuinely wanting to know so we could fix it, so I could apologize and work to make amends) she responded with “the fact that you don’t know proves my point!” but she never said what that point was. That’s it. it was done. As you said, the just being dropped like that – with no explanation is painful. No closure. Especially after so long and being that close. I handled it surprisingly well -and I DO have a great group of friends besides that one person- but it’s still tough when people ask me how my ‘best friend’ is doing (because they assume we’re still in touch) I feel this guilt because I KNOW I did SOMEthing, but I don’t know what. I eventually had to just let go of the idea of reconciliation – knowing that I tried my best to make it ok … but was not allowed ‘in’ to be given such an opportunity. Anyway – sorry such a long comment – the point of it all was just to thank you for your post and to let you know that, while I may not know the details of your experience – I definitely sympathize to the confusion and craziness that can happen in friendships! (One of the reasons why I love the book “SWF seeking BFF” – you might enjoy it)
    Thanks again and best wishes!

    • WOW! yes, sounds almost identical to experiences i have faced.. but my ex-friend NEVER even responds with that! the feeling is the same, the loss, the lack of closure, the unknown. eventually i have to emotionally disconnect and when they finish removing me from their life, i know they are satisfied with their actions and i can sit back and remind myself at how totally incomplete and incapable they are at hashing out the issue like an adult. for me, there is no reconciliation after this kind of stuff happens; mainly because i REFUSE at all costs, to ever be subjected to such a ridiculous situation again; but i do yearn for closure. i’m sorry for what you went through but so thankful you shared; these are the moments that i fee like “gosh, i was such a bad friend” and begin to think, “there’s MORE like my ex-friends out there? eek!” definitely checking out that book!! so glad you stopped by & shared.

  4. Everything you described in the beginning of this post is me. I cannot keep friends. I look at how other ladies in my life interact and treat their friends and I never have that. I think I’m so desperate to have a best friend that I scare people away. My childhood and high school years were hard. I was not popular and was often left out. I think this plays out in my adult years as me trying to be the perfect friend. In college I loved my roommate. I thought we were best friends. We shared clothes and I would change our dorm room around while she was at class to surprise her. We were supposed to get an apartment together our senior year. The last day of exams our junior year she moved out without saying goodbye and never spoke to me again. My next two roommates were also my good friends. I asked them to be my bridesmaids. After I got married they stopped inviting me to do things now we are just ‘friends on FB.’ In October of 2011 my good friend sent me an email basically laying out everything I did that offended her. In April 2012 my other good friend sent me a FB messaged that said I overwhelmed her. Now I have no confidence in my friendships. Sometimes I no longer feel like trying. Thank you for your honesty.

    • Elizabeth, i am SO SO sorry! i know the feeling — i have been there. friendships do suck, don’t they?! but let me reassure you — with time and healing, with a new friend that is going through a season like you, needing a true friend. you will get beyond this! it is so hard to put our guard down and allow someone in especially with these experiences. i hope that you can find healing & peace girl… hold onto your strengths. hold onto hope!!

  5. A very honest look at friendships…it is good to know I am not the only one who struggles in this area. My best friend of 11 years felt offended by something I said on facebook – which had absolutely nothing to do with her – it was just a random thing. She called me and accused me of being judgmental. She kept throwing her accusations and not allowing me to try and explain. I had to end the call. I realized that this happens often – she would talk and talk and talk and not give me the chance to say anything. Very frustrating. I emailed her a note a few days afterwards and tried to explain again. She replied with “I am done with this relationship” – it was a shock. But I came to see that maybe she wasn’t prepared for me to not be a doormat to her anymore. It has sure helped to be able to talk to my husband about the whole thing and get his perspective – he isn’t so emotionally involved. Through it all, I think the saddest thing is that not only is out friendship over (if there really ever was one), but 8 other friendships have been destroyed – our husbands were friends as were our children. It is so sad that we Christians are so willing to attack our own. I am sure it grieves God’s heart.

  6. Sorry this has been a difficult year for you in the friendship department. For me, I think things are kind of opposite. I just can’t find anyone who wants to be my friend, and I totally realize how very silly that sounds.

    I have lots of friends who live far away, but in the town where I am living, I pretty much have none. I have a few acquaintances and a girl I go walking with if I bug her to go walking, but other than that, I’ve failed at making friends. It sucks, but I’ve spent a lot of time licking my wounds. This year, 2013 is different. I am determined, with God’s help, to do better in my community. I’m still working it out in my head and my heart, but I am working.

    Prayers for God to establish lost-lasting, resilient friendships in your life.

    • thank you for stopping by & sharing. when we move, which is often, i feel alone in that my friends are all gathering together in our old city while i am searching out more new friendships. seeking friends is hard… especially if you’ve had hard or hurtful friendships in the recent past. i pray that you will find a really good local friend – one that gives of her time and her energy, that calls to make plans and follows through. that seeks you out and is intentional with you. because, i think you are so great and are deserving of that!!!

  7. I am so glad I read this. I had two friendships that fell off this year out of the blue and it broke my heart. I couldn’t figure out what I did and they never told me either. I realized later that some of what you mentioned certainly applied. I had gotten married and my life changed. I think it changed more that I had knew. I decided that if my friendships can’t stand all of my life events, they are not real friendships. I loved the article, it reinforced what I was already starting to believe. It’s hard to believe how many years it took me to figure it out. I’m glad it happened. I think it will help me to be a better friend and know them when I see them.
    Thanks again 🙂

    • oh girl — i know that heartache.. that feeling. i’m so sorry! losing friends has made me realize what i do have. the amazing friendships that have survived the hard & difficult. how to cultivate those friendships and allow some to pass by. thank you for coming by today, for sharing your heart. be sure to check out post #2! 🙂

  8. I love this post. Friendships (well really any relationship) requires work. And it’s not always easy! I grew up in a small town (hence my blog name) and had pretty much the same friends my whole life. I actually have a pretty large friend group. After college, I got married and moved away for my husband to attend seminary and over the past 2 and a half years, everything has changed. I still consider those people to be my friends, but the relationship is not the same. God has grown me tremendously through moving away from home and other trials. Things that none of them understand. It’s even different to just come home because some of them have never left that small town. It’s all they know. Each time I come home to visit, I feel myself slipping farther and farther away from them. Some of it’s natural. Some of it is because those friends haven’t “pulled their own weight” in the friendship. They never call. They never message. They never respond. I don’t like one sided friendship, so I give up. It hurts. It bothers me to think that these people who I shared so much of my life with aren’t a part of it anymore. Growing up stinks!

    • i so know this feeling. all too well. at 19 i got married {after my second year of college}, moved 3000 miles to the west coast with my Marine husband and boy, oh boy, i sure did learn about the value my friendships had. the 5 bridesmaids in my wedding and i no longer stay in regular contact.. i have grown up & out. the experiences i have gone through, the things i have seen, the big world i embrace is so different from those back home. it is certainly a struggle but just know, God is growing you. growing your faith, your experiences.. with purpose. continue to pursue Him and the friendships intended will come and stand strong. blessings to you dear one!

  9. I feel the same way about the 7 types of friendships.. A couple of months ago I had a terrible falling out with my best friend.. I was giving way more than 50% and being used.. I decided that I deserved more. And more recently I just stopped talking to another good friend. Everything was about her, she didn’t have kids and didn’t understand what it was like for me to take care of a toddler and newborn. She has a boyfriend but strings the ex along to confirm how beautiful she is and everything else. I again decided that we were in different stages in our lives and she is a party girl and enjoys that, and I am focused on my husband and family. I guess I’m trying to accept that every relationship and friendship has a purpose and lesson. On to read pt 2!

    • yes & yes & yes. these are such hard lessons to learn, aren’t they? we think we need these friendships because we’ve invested in them, because they are comfortable, because.. because.. and then we realize how toxic they can be. they are not fulfilling or helpful or encouraging. i truly hope you can feel a sense of calm and peace as you move away from her and gain new friendships that are a better fit for you! i am so glad you stopped by!

  10. This could not have come at a better time. I could cry, reading this, had I not already wasted my tears today. I feel so awkward right now. Just in life, in general. This age and this stage. Awkward is the only way I can describe it. Friendships are fading. Who I thought I once could count on I no longer can. My needs and desires for friendships have changed, I’ve grown. It’s just awkward. And then its like I need people but I don’t. Maybe I’m just tired of being let down? I’ve been hurting lately. Knowing that its time to say goodbye to some of these friendships. Thankful for this series (please keep it going) and thankful to now have you in my life. Thankful, that Jesus sees and knows my heart and is there for me and will provide even friendships for me.

    • Jesus is Lord. He knows our intermost. He knows our needs & desires. He created friendships and in them, they can soar. we can find perfect rest in connecting and having solid, lasting friendships. i just adore you friend and i am so sorry you are going through this awkwardness; i have SO been there and if you check in with me in the next few months, i guarantee i will use that work again to describe my current situation. the stages of life, growing up, changes. they can be hard to maneuver but i just wonder if God allows friendships to cycle to make room for more to enter our lives.

  11. Aaron Michelle Pentz says

    ..this resonates in my heart in a huge way… This past spring and summer a 25 year friendship basically took a nose dive and I had no concrete reason why… I asked and asked and pleaded with this sister friend to explain.. we do still have a relationship but she has limited it to emails. … I am working within her new boundaries because I value her and love her. I am unwilling to let satan destroy it. I know that this may not be what you experienced but I agree that closure is so necessary to move on. This is an awesome post… Wish I had it 10 months ago… but God knows best. Thanks for sharing!

    • oh my.. i am so sorry for your loss. the time spent dedicated to that friendship and result in email communication must be so hard for you; i hope she realizes the hurt that the lack of communication/lack of knowing does; may she seek to settle this unsettling you are experiencing. may this post + your current friendship hurt prepare you. open your heart to new possibilities. friends can be fleeting which makes room for new friendships to emerge. i am so glad you came today & shared!

  12. How did you know I needed to read this post?! God has a way of leading me where I need to go for reassurance! It’s NOT just me. There isn’t something ‘wrong’ with me. I have had too many situations like yours. And I always TRY to follow Christ and do the right thing in every situation. Of course, I am FAR from perfect. But I, too, am so sensitive. I doubt people would think that since I, too, am sarcastic and give my opinions (nicely) but openly! I have had to rely on my Savior since he knows how I am feeling. I remind myself of Job when I am feeling down. At least I have a WONDERFUL husband and children. And so many other blessings! I JUST told my husband (I’m not kidding, just yesterday!) “Friend’s suck. Why can’t they be more like you?!” =) Anyways, just wanted to say thanks for this post and it’s nice to know I’m not alone…

    • I’m so glad you found my little post Jamy — friends do suck. friendships hurt. when we feel hurt, betrayed, lack understanding. my husband is so my opposite and i feel my best friends carry a similar personality to him; it allows the opposite-ness in us to attract to the right pieces of each other. i’m sorry for your hurt — i have so been there!

  13. I have been struggling with my friendships, or lack there of lately. It really hurts not having someone, you know will be there, because you feel like you pushed them all away. Too often I feel the hurt of feeling “dumped” by what I thought was a friend. People you wouldn’t expect to just cast you aside, do. And then the other fledgling friendships you had seem to wither as you pull back, unwilling to face the hurt again. Lately I have been telling myself, NO! No, more friendships, I will just be alone, I don’t need anyone, just my husband, and I’ll be fine. But no matter how many times I tell myself that, I can’t convince myself that, that is what I really want. I see myself turning into an old woman with no friends, because I couldn’t make the relationships work, and/or I wouldn’t let them in. It has really been weighing heavy on my heart, this awful feeling, and every “fun event” that I go to just feels like salt in the wound as I see all these people with these great friendships, and me, I feel so very alone.

    • i am so sorry Candace. i know you must be hurting. friendships are hard and yet, we crave them. the connectedness with a friend. a best friend. someone to call with hurts, joys, sadness. to create memories. i pray that your heart can lighten and be receptive to some fresh new friendships that will work hard to be your friend; that see your heart for who you are. i am glad you came to visit us – we are all broken, hurting women seeking true friendship alongside you.

  14. I am so impressed at your insight-fulness. I have had experiences with almost all of these types. My experience is that many of these emotional drainers have two or three of these traits together. One good thing that came of a horrible year of tragedies was that it forced me to take stock of every detail of my life. I sat down and evaluated every single friendship I had. If friendships were draining me, left me feeling worse, negative nillies, the jealous types, etc., then out they went. I didn’t cut these people out of my life, I just “downgraded” the friendships. I decided that energy instead into building up friendships that were healthy. This doesn’t mean I don’t get stung here and there. Just this week, I finally had to “release” a friendship that I knew I shouldn’t have gotten too involved with in the first place. If someone is a poison person, but has all these wonderful traits that you overlook the poison, eventually, the poison seeps to you. It has been years, but I am not surprised, it was just a matter of time. It is hard to be friends with other women. So many women are too riddled with insecurities about themselves to fully be a good friend to others. So many women get jealous, are self-centered (out of insecurity), need you when they need you, but can only be there when it works for them. Some women are emotional drainers because they need to be needed, to the point where they suck you dry emotionally. I agree with Stephanie, age is a wonderful gift emotionally. I don’t take things personally, I put the problems back on other people, and try to learn what I can from this relationship and move forward. I have found that I can have close friendships with people who are 15 years younger than I and close friendships with women who are at least 25 years older. I do think that as we age, many of these insecurities and emotional checklists that women harbor are slowly erased, and in their place comes more acceptance, more understanding, and more patience. Plus, as your children get older and you get busier with their lives, you don’t have time for as many friendships, so the ones you do have mean that much more to me.

    Again, what a wonderful post. You gave me much to think about!

    • thank you Karen!! you are just so dear to me and i love that you shared and offered your wisdom to me & to those reading through this post. to know we are not alone brings comfort and more understanding to these vulnerable friendships. i am looking towards my 30’s and hope to pull it off with less heart hurt and more connectedness with chosen friends.

  15. kelly edwards says

    Just found your blog…….words of wisdom. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself in this blog. Friendships are hard. 47 and still trying to figure them out. Ready for the Lord to bring some amazing women in my life.

    • yes… that Jesus just bless us with good hearty friendships that last through the years; my hope & prayer as i work through the tough & hard this year. i am so glad you stopped by!

  16. Sorry to hear about the ways you’ve been hurt. major suckage. =( But, I’m so thankful for the ways you’ve learned from it and have used this space to help others develop closer relationships. xo

  17. Definitely can relate to some of this when I was younger. With age comes the realization that I should not be so righteous to judge others and their actions without truly knowing what is in their hearts. Some people act in ways that are not true to who their are and maybe react the opposite of how I would think they might behave under certain circumstances. People pass through our lives for some reason we can only guess about. I constantly feel that I am traded in for newer friends based on values I don’t even pretend to understand. Despite my best intents to keep in touch with people who have touched my heart, I have found people move away from each other mentally and spiritually for their own reasons that have little to do with me. This I no longer take personally, although it still hurts the little girl feelings in me sometimes.

    • i agree Stephanie — being less judgmental is so valuable; it gives us pause, it grants them an extra dose of grace for whatever they might be going through. friendship is so necessary and yet so hard to maintain continually without the extra love, devoted time, intentionally caring. i hope to wise up as i age and be less concerned and more connected to those i genuinely want in my life. so glad you stopped by!!

  18. out sermon on sunday was on this topic..

  19. Aimee:
    Thank you for writing this. It was a perfect time for me to see it. To speak frankly, I suck (no better word) at friendships. There are very few that I am willing to work at to keep them going. It is my truth – the friendships that work the best for me are the ones that are there no matter what. It does not matter how long you have been away, when you talk the hours, days, weeks, months melt away into an invisible puddle and the joy of your friendship pours out of both parties.
    I guess to be honest, the harsh reality is, if my friendships drop off the face of the earth, and I am not calling, then neither are they. So, maybe it is time for me to do some soul searching.

    And as an aside, you are the reason I have a Coach addiction and I thank you for it!

    • it’s true — suck is the only word i could use that was the right fit without being too vulgar or too relaxed. because friendships just suck sometimes. i love your analogy — i want friendship desperately that pours into me like i pour into them –>> my expectation level perhaps needs to recede so i can allow THEM to decide what they can give versus me begging them to give what i need. keep me posted on your searching friend; i admire your heart… always have!

      and yes, sweet Coach bags fill my closet. perhaps i’ll post a photo someday! 🙂 🙂

  20. Thinking about the broken relationship that my older sister has with our family this post made me sad and encouraged all at the same time. Thanks for sharing…I for one am thankful for your friendship!

    • Sarah, I am glad you shared — I know that this has been a struggle for you all and I can only hope & pray that perhaps you are in a turning point with her. Sister-struggles are on a whole new scale for me; perhaps someday I’ll be able to share about that. Until then, friendship series continues! 🙂

  21. This is a great post. I have shut myself off from friendships for many of the same reasons but I’m really praying that I”ll start being a better friend and finding some close friends. In the military, I feel like the jealousy issue comes up so much because we are on somewhat of a “level” playing field. “Oh, SHE got a 3 bedroom house on base with no kids” or “well in X branch they just rank up too fast without earning it.” This kind of stuff bothers me SO MUCH and has prevented me from having a deeper friendship for a really otherwise sweet gal. Great series idea!

    • yes. jealousy in the military life is so common. i have denounced the “Marine wife” to –>> “my husband is a Marine.” the constant comparison is not worthy of friendship; thank you for stopping over & sharing!!!

  22. Aimee,
    As a military spouse moving to new places I tend to jump into relationships quick because there’s no time to waste! 🙂 I have met such a diverse bunch of people over the years and God has used these relationships (even the ones that hurt or that I hurt) to draw me closer to Him and teach me how to really love others. I’m not perfect and adult friendships are tricky but i’m thankful for friends that give me a lot of grace. Hopefully my friends can say the same of me! Looking forward to part 2. 🙂

    • YES YES YES!!! i too am married to a man in the military — i settle in quickly out of fear i am wasting time when in fact i am choosing the WRONG friendships to begin with making the entire first year very difficult for me. i too agree, these friendships have pulled me into the word, have centered by walk. thank you for stopping by Laura – post 2 coming soon!

      • I am also a military wife and have learned also.. I have jumped so hard into friendships so I wouldn’t be alone while our husbands were off at training or in the field.. I have one very good friend that I have known for years who is also military and that is about it. There are too many rank wearing spouses that can’t focus on anything but that! I need a real down to earth, Walmart shopping, comfy clothes wearing, not afraid to go out without makeup on kind of friend! Haha

  23. This is a GREAT post! I am currently in the middle of mending a friendship that I can’t help but feel will fall into the trenches, again. You have given me something to think about!

    • i am so glad you stopped by Aleks — friendships is hard. brutal. yet necessary. i pray you find the right balance in this friendship you are working to repair!! i just adore you friend.

  24. So sorry that you’ve been hurt. I know that pain as I too have been hurt by people close to me. Praying that He heals your heart and brings some sweet friends into your life. Blessings.

  25. I have been thinking and thinking about this post. – you did an amazing job on this (clearly days after the first comment I am back again). I am still thinking about what kind of friend i am…I am not a joy robber (I complain but it is not about my woes- just my sparkling personality). See it is good I am evaluating the kind of friend I am in order to be a better friend to others.

    • i LOVE that you came back Holly; i am sorry for what you’re going through though — friendships are bittersweet.. we need them but hurt when they are not done right. i fear my expectations are perhaps too high, okay.. way too high! call anytime – would love to catch up with you! 🙂

  26. Nicole @ The Style Hatch says

    Oh girl I hear ya! It sounds like we are very similar. I had the same thing happen to me this year. I still haven’t fully recovered. It hurts. I pray for you, that you can get some kind of closure too!! Thanks for sharing your heart!! xo

    • thank you Nicole – praying for you too & all of these amazing women commenting here & sharing their hurts & stories. why must our hearts hurt? i struggle and hope that by sharing this series, we will all open up a little bit more. i am so glad you stopped by!!

  27. Aimee…I’m new to your blog. This is so so true. I recently had some folks at church stop talking to me after the election. It sucks. Thanks a ton for sharing this. I too portray a strong person who seems unaffected, but inside I’m crushed. You’re not the only one!!!!


    • thank you Carrie; i get you then! gosh — church & elections; that’s a tough topic but one we have to deal with whether we want to or not. i am so sorry for any pain that caused you; having an opinion and speaking boldly is something that i vow to do more. not to hurt. not to eliminate. just to share & open up and tear down walls. thank you for stopping by & sharing!

  28. Ah, friendships are hard. I’m glad I have the friends I do in my life and have left some others behind. They weren’t true friends anyway. Yet, at the same time I know I’ve played the role of some of these. I’ve been a really crappy friend at times and definitely deserved to be “left behind” but boy, does that hurt… still hurts to remember it.

    • kassie, thank you for sharing with me today — being left behind does hurt… it makes my throat itching & my head hurt. it’s just not fair; i wish more friends were like you; self-aware and willing to grow from it!

  29. Seriously, let’s be cyber friends. You don’t even want to know what bad friendships or just a lack thereof completely have done to me. Hurt? More than anyone knows. Learning to lean on Jesus… Over and over again.
    I had resigned to thinking it was me, my personality, my flaws, etc. who knows! But one who had hurt me so badly last year recently came forward to apologize to me. She gave no specifics, but I took it.
    Anyway I more than know what it’s like. I always pray for God to send me a real good close friend. I’m convinced us females NEED friendship and to be understood.

    • V, done! friend you have! 🙂 i agree, we need friendships; require them. we were made relational and probably why i struggle when it feels i have no close friends. i love hearing that your friend came around and apologized… hopefully that offered bits of closure over that; and the ability to move on. thank you for stopping by – message me anytime!

  30. I can’t really relate to this post. I don’t have ‘friends’ like this, but I think it’s because I’m a good judge of character and quickly determine the qualities someone has or does not have and set the boundaries of our relationship accordingly. I wish you better luck in future in finding people as friends who are worth your time and investment.

  31. Oh sister… I have been a couple of these friends and if it weren’t for Christ, I 1. wouldn’t know it, and 2. would still be them. I was (and sometimes still can be) so envious of people and often times it broke me to congratulate. But God showed me that I will grow and shine, in His time. Also, I was a runaway; when the going got tough I didn’ always know what to say. I am scared of confrontation in these circumstances. I would either disappear or be a friend simply because I didn’t know how to back away. And yes, I have been hurt too.. Ugh, I can go on and on..

    Basically; friendship means different things to me now, and I only invest where I know that Christ will be exalted. He brought so many people into my life this past year that, I can only trust that He has been at work this whole time.

    Thank you for opening your heart on this! I cannot wait for part 2 🙂

    Blessed by you friend~

    • love what you wrote, “i only invest where I know that Christ will be exalted.” YES! adore you friend. thank you for sharing your heart & life with me!

  32. Megan Scheg says

    Great reminders for all of us. Thanks for sharing Aimee!!

  33. Such a great post – I too struggle with friendships. I have been burned before so sometimes I just don’t even try. I have heard that the older you get the harder it is to make friends, I hope that is not the case but sometimes I wonder how much more energy I have at the end of the day. I find myself exhausted after watching the kids and working all day, the little bit of energy I have left I want to put towards my husband. Maybe it is just a phase of life, but making great friendships requires time and work and sometimes I am just too tired.

    • yes, energy, time, commitment — it seems we have so little these days that the time we do spend on friendships, we hope the return will be worth it. being burned certainly causes hesitation; i know it did for me for this entire past year — and my sweet new friends have comfortably made their way into my life and it’s a natural fit. there is no trying or struggling; it has taken a long time to get to this!

  34. This is an excellent post. Not only did I catch glimpses of my old self, but I also identified with many of the ways I’ve been hurt the past few years in friendships.

    • i’m glad you stopped by — self perception is when i started realizing that perhaps i could affect the types of friends & situations i am in!

  35. Oh Aimee! I love your honesty! I struggle with the same things as you wrote. I tend to be uber sensitive and then, in fear of confrontation, don’t let the other ‘friend’ know they have hurt my feelings. Like Danielle said, I also tend to stay friends with those that hurt me because I feel bad ending the relationship or just don’t know how to! I have one ‘friend’ right now that fits all 7 and I, for some reason, stay friends with her thinking things will change. Ugh. It’s so hard!

    Thankful for you, Aimee, for being honest and sharing your past hurts!

    • oh my — i am sure you are struggling with that “friend” — why is friendship so hard? and why must we carry the burdens from past friendships that somehow control how we interact with future friends? oh boy, i am sure God knew this and didn’t intend for “community” to be this way. thank you for your encouragement friend.

  36. Yes! How did you know I needed this? Sometimes I think – am I crazy? Am I the only one feeling this way? I think a lot of times it when people are bad friends, they aren’t even aware that they are doing any of the things you’ve listed above. So I’m still trying to figure out how to broach topics without hurting feelings.

    • yep!! crazy town has happened between these ears… i am sometimes so baffled by a situation or what someone said or did.. and i think, “am i the only one that is having an issue with this?!” i’m sorry for whatever you might be going through right now — stay tuned, post 2 is coming along soon! 🙂

  37. A wise list. I tend to allow myself to get into bad friendships and am “too nice” to get out…even when I know they are stealing my joy or bringing me down. On the other side, I have been the friend that failed. Friendships can be such a journey of life, and I feel like I’m just starting – here in my mid-30s- as my life only allows time to invest in so many relationships, to be more selective of friends. Not in a clique-type way, but in a mutually-beneficial, chosen-by-wisdom-and-discernment, sort of way.

    • i too feel like it’s a starting-fresh kinda time for me as i enter 30! i am excited to be on the lookout for genuine friends, to grow from the hurts, to acknowledge the pieces of me that need & desire friendship and practice patience & discernment going forward. i am thankful that you are my friend!!

  38. Yes yes yes! This is exactly how female friendships are and it’s terribly sad. I think that at one time or another we’ve all played these roles…but then we find that one friendship that complements us and our lifestyle and say “YES! Thank you, Jesus, for sharing this person with me!!”

    You are amazing. Talented. Wise. Kind. And have a heart that makes me smile from ear-to-ear. I’m so blessed to call you my friend. I’m sorry you were hurt, but I’m glad we have each other 🙂

    • you rock sweet girl… seriously you fulfill this empty space in my life that was sad. you, my dear, have a sister for life!

  39. This was so powerful for me. Rarely, are we honest with ourselves and others about our own weaknesses, vulnerabilities and strengths when it comes to friendships. Thank you for being willing to open up and engage in a dialogue about friendships.

  40. Excellent post, Aimee! In my 47 years, I have experienced them all but the TRUE, SELFLESS friendships are what I cherish the most and I am blessed to have some of those in my life now. Like Julie said (above), thank you for sharing this and being bold 🙂

  41. I think there are seasons to certain friendships. I have some friends who have stuck with me after having 3 kids, but there aren’t too many. We “stay in touch” through Facebook and I might see them every once in a blue moon, and I send them Christmas cards, but it’s not the same anymore. Having Anna start kindergarten has been interesting, too. It has given rise to a new friendship or 2, but it also makes staying friends with “pre-kinder” friends more challenging- we have new, different schedules and new priorities. I’m sorry you’ve lost friendships, but I also love that you examine them and share them for others to learn from. And I’m glad to count you among my friends, even though I haven’t spent nearly enough time with you!

    • yes, we have lots of those “stay in touch sometimes” friends too – it seems with each passing season the children grow, their interests change, our station in life changes, we grow, we mature and we need different friends to connect with; i am learning the hard way about seasons!
      … and yes, let’s plan a date. perhaps to try out some new sewing machines? i was gifted one for my birthday {thanks husband!} to make time to go find one!

  42. You are so right in everything you’ve said here, I think particularly as a woman/girl friendships are hard…I big thing for me is giving more than I get it’s hard not to be hurt even for us “tough exterior” girls. You’re awesome, that’s all I have to say! <3 you!

    • thank you friend. i struggle with giving too – i give. a lot. and rarely expect anything in return; except maybe a thank you… or a comment on the item i sent… it seems that might even be too much to ask sometimes.. oh, why are we so unintentional sometimes?! love to you too friend.

  43. I’m so proud of you Aimee! I know this was a hard post to write & you are leaving yourself vulnerable but I truly believe that honesyy (expecially about our weaknesses) is the BEST way to nurture genuine relationships. This is so convicting+encouraging at the same time. Good work 🙂

    • thank you Ashley — thank you for praying for me & encouraging me to be bold, to share, to live it through. i appreciate you.

  44. How I know this too well. My very best BFF and I had a falling out and she said some things that were so incredibly hurtful and ugly about me. I am forever cautious now. I use to be an open book and display my heart on my sleeve, not so much any longer. One thing I have learned, and you will too, is that we have friends for different seasons in our lives. This seems especially true since we are military.

    • oh yes, the seasons of friendship… i know that too well and thankful that right now, today, i am going through a good season. thank you for reading and commenting.. it means a lot to me!

  45. it is always refreshing to know that someone else feels the same way me and plenty of others (i am sure) feel! thanks for being so open!

  46. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt so deeply so recently, but how redemptive to share and help others as a result. I admire your transparency.

  47. Oh friend!! THANKYOU for sharing such powerful, accurate words! It is so helpful to hear someone talk about this! Talk about how friendship can just be downright hard! How it can hurt, how we can be hurt and be the ones hurting! =)
    This is Christ giving you the strength to write about this!! =)
    Much Love!

    • thank you friend for stopping in today — your encouragement has been spectacular and has allowed me to prepare for post #2.

  48. I am trying to accept that some friendships are just supposed to be for a short while. I had had all of those things happen to me and it does suck – no better word for it. I have one friendship in transition right now too and not sure what will happen tot it. I like you am so sensitive but portray another less vulnerable side to the world. I was looking at the list trying to figure out what I was…I may be a joy-robber (but that is just me anyway!). Thanks for the post! I keep trying to believe the right people come in and out of my life for a reason…but even with that in mind it still hurts.

    • it’s true – i could not think of any better work, although i had worse ideas! i do strongly believe that friendships are with purpose, i just wish we could get through the yucky ones faster. thank you for stopping by & sharing some of your hurt today!

  49. Oh Aimee, how I can relate! I have failed at friendships too, and I ALWAYS, always blame myself. It’s hard to get close to others and jealousy abounds- oy. Makes me want to just hide. Thank you for sharing this– for being bold.

  50. I think you have hit “friendship” on the head. If we live long enough, all of us have had one of all of your 7. I really try to live and not judge, and just back off when I need to. I am so happy you have written what we all feel at one time or the other. Wishing you a wonderful Christmas, and may the New Year be full of new “friendships”. 🙂


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