as time has past, as time does… it’s closing in on 2 years of being a single momma to my two sweet children.
2 weary years.
2 years of battling for safety. 2 years begging God for a hedge of protection around us. 2 years of weary, long, exhausting days full of long to-do lists that never seem to get fully crossed off. 2 years seeking comfort, safety, refuge and strength in a God i have been viciously & wrongfully angry with.
extreme levels of weariness that have caused illness for days, pounding headaches, difficulty focusing, joint pain brought on by my autoimmune disorder, stress in ways i had never experienced, anxiousness.
i remember crying out to God in the darkness of my room while my children were in school, begging for the pain to subside before they got off the bus. unable to eat, work, function. small bits of light were deafening. i lay awake for hours, restlessly seeking warmth and comfort and a quiet mind to rest. i was begging God to give me rest.
that day & the next, He did.
rest forced by God. to seek Him. no to-do list to cross off. no phone calls. no emails.
after 2 long difficult days of experiencing an intense, unrelenting migraine… 2 days of begging God to heal me. He did.
& i found peace in knowing that God could intervene at any moment. but He knew i needed to rest my body and my mind followed.
there are days i forget to smile.
each day is just another day on permanent repeat. non-school days can be difficult with two small children needing my individualized attention.
these are choices. i have been through months where i felt the choice was stripped from me and i tried to feverishly get through the day so i could rest my eyes for a few hours awaiting the gentle alarm to repeat another hard day.
but, these are choices.
even with the chaos. the lawyer visits and court preparation. having my character torn down. experiencing self-doubt as i struggle with self-worth. even when the world seems to be swallowing me whole and i lose site of God’s grace. even through the downtrodden, difficult emotional exhaustion. the mental strain. the physical side effects of weariness.
God is good. He provides. all He asks is for us to simply “Come…”
i can choose to smile. i can choose to find contentment. i can choose to be fulfilled by a God that is gracious and loving and perfect. i don’t believe that God is vindictive or testing us in this sin-filled world… i do believe that He can elect to intervene, or not.
but God never promised an easy road as a Christian. He never guaranteed to protect us from pain or heartache while on earth.
HE IS I AM. He is unchanging. He is all knowing. He is worthy of our praise.
even when we are weary and broken and burdened.
He asks for us to “Come…”
& so i will. i will seek Him and find rest.