my face is round, like a small child’s. my thighs are too big. my hips are too wide. child-bearing hips as they’ve been called. the more dead-lifts i do, the more bump i’ve got in the bum; which leads to jeans not fitting as smoothly as they did before. which leads to dissatisfaction that my cloths don’t fit. yes, i’ve laid off the dead lifts.
i am stretchy from bearing the weight & the size of two healthy children.
tall can be wonderful but it comes with a number that can really suck. the number on the scale scares shorter people; gosh, sometimes it even scares me!
about 3 months ago i voluntarily was measured for “adipose” weight. aka: fat. non-muscular tissue. you want the truth? 27%. of course, there’s a 5% variable in there — so it could be between 22% – 32%. ooh fun. 27% means that just over 1/4 of my body is not muscle, is not bones, is not organs. it’s fat stuck to me. fatty fat fat. the poor man measuring me at the gym… i think i saw him gulp when he had to deliver the news; and then the delayed reply that it could be lower.
that was a hard day.
zoom back 3 years with me…
i was battling weight. really, really battling. 3 months after delivering abigail i headed to my doctor’s office complaining of afternoon tiredness even though i was eating healthy, nursing, running, my pathetic attempts at zumba and more… not to see the scale budge in the least.
(forgive me but i must say… for YEARS i could make a few minor changes and instantly lose weight. i could be thin. really thin. not losing weight at all was a severe battle for me; yes, i’m type A + controlling)
i was diagnosed with autoimmune. hashimotos. where my white blood cells attack my thyroid gland. sure go ahead, read all about me here! then come back & finish up my post about being thin.
this disease trips up the thyroid gland. it slows hair growth. nail growth. life. it slows the metabolism making it nearly impossible to lose weight. oh joy.
so i did EVERYTHING they told me. if my doctor or my endocrinologist or my trainer told me to do something – i did it. i followed. i listened. i measured. i wrote everything down. i logged my gym work outs. i logged my measurements and my weight. i kept a list on the fridge of my daily intake/calorie intake.
more than 8 hours each week in the gym on the spin bike or running at ridiculous speeds or weight lifting. killing myself to be thin.
calories in. calories out. right? wrong. not for someone like me.
for the first 2 years i maintained the SAME weight i complained about in the doctor’s office that winter day.
i was annoyed. angry. pissed. overwhelmed. daily consumed by weight. an unhealthy addiction to the gym. my calories. my thinking. i felt like a failure.
and yet i was strong. i had more muscle on me than ever before. defined chest muscles. strong biceps & triceps. thighs made of steel. lean. healthy.
but i felt fat. i wanted to be THINNER. “God, MAKE ME THINNER. look at all i’ve done. i DESERVE to be thinner.”
… oh, sweet deserving is a bad taste in the mouth. isn’t it? ick. spit that garbage out.
is there a lesson?
do you ever go through a struggle. difficult circumstances. a hardship. a sucky friendship. and wonder, “God, what the heck are you thinking?” do you question Him like i do? there are days that i’ll walk around the house muttering to God out of sheer irritation that i have to experience this. that i have to deal with this. and i cry out, “Oh Lord, what are you teaching me? how will you use this for your good?”
i have spent far too many days angry with my weight. with the scale. with my waist measurement. horrified. promising myself and God that if i gain another pound i will likely just go make a box of brownies and EAT THE ENTIRE PAN.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1: 3 & 4 NIV
that maybe this difficult time will be used for good? He is offering me comfort through this so i can offer comfort to others feeling the same way? for His good?
how does that happen when in 3 years of battling hard i added 18 pounds to this frame? 18 pounds. 14 in this past year of hardship. moving thousands of miles from home. trying to establish new routines. finding new friendships. new schools. a marriage falling a part. children needing more attention. more of me giving away and leaving less of me.
can i get an amen? amen. & amen. & amen.
did i have to really gain 18 pounds to learn that? seriously? well, apparently i did.
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4: 16 NIV
oh the sweet grace that God covers us in. that He welcomes us as we are. that He looks at our hearts and our minds. that we trust, obey & respect His commands.
He is not checking our scales. He is not going to welcome us at the pearly gates and say, “Well done, good and faithful servant… please come back when you’ve lost the pudge!”
friends… love that body of yours. the curves. the wrinkles. the gray hairs. the changes that our bodies experience as we age. God made us exactly this way. how amazing to know that right where you are is enough. you are enough.
i gave up. i gave it over. i quit. i threw in the towel. i shared my grievances with my doctor and she me a natural booster to help cleanse my system paired with a modified paleo-based eating plan. i no longer forced the gym time if it wasn’t going to fit into our schedule that day. i decided enough is enough.
and over the past 2.5 months the weight has slowly receded. i am happier 10 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight than i was 3 years ago. if i never lose another pound; i can manage.
now i can look in the mirror and say to myself, “how was i unhappy with this? why was i wanting to be thinner?” because ladies… today i have value and worth and confidence in this body. in this shape. in this size. with these stretch marks; reminders of those sweet babies dreaming of sugar plums in their beds.
it was worth it. these past 3 years. every single second was worth this lesson.
praising God today for His goodness. for my hope. for the peace in the scale… just a # telling me the pull of my gravity.
… but that # can NEVER tell me anything more than that.
so, here’s me. at my heaviest. with my sweeties. at the beach that we love.
embracing these fleeting moments.
for tomorrow will worry about itself.