am i enough?

5 1/2 years ago i became a momma. after 9 months of pregnancy, an epidural, a few pushes + that gentle cry and shocked baby boy face.

tears of overwhelming joy. tears of pain {no one told me about the days AFTER pregnancy}. tears for thankfulness. tears when friends & family visited. tears for the 102 degree high heat in Virginia in August.

a few days later Jack came home in a carseat that i was not sure how to fasten! Jack James. perfect in every way. Kids2

i was 25. a baby having a baby. i was in the middle of an amazing career streak. successfully working my way into an amazing job, and after 6 years i was working comfortably at home about 25 hours/week making a way-too-reasonable paycheck. bragging rights? i bought a BMW with 3 months of bonuses. her name is Lily and i’ve not let her go yet!!

within 4 weeks, one of my clients needed me. with Jack on a splendid eating/playing/sleeping schedule i went back to work. i sat at my desk, headset on during his 6 hours (2 hours at a time – at the same time each day) of naps each day. i scheduled calls, managed my emails and worked alongside his sleeping. as his schedule adjusted, so did mine. i continued to work rather successfully. runs & playdates in the AM, laundry, dishes & household work in the afternoon, lots of play time and balanced work time.

then it happened. he starting sleeping less during the day. the demands of my clients increased. my mom encouraged a break. we met in East Hampton and stayed at the beach house for a weekend. clients called constantly and i answered. i fielded their questions, their needs — all while they knew i was on a short vacation.

kids3

i was already finding it hard to balance Jack and work. i often found myself putting him down so i could take a call that was too early or too late. we were thinking about hiring a nanny to come over for a few hours a day; it would not have been a strain. we had lots of private daycare options + a friend with a toddler that offered to take him during the day.

during a phone call on that short beach weekend trip – my mom looked at me and said, “who is so important?” the look on her face spoke volumes. i hung up and cried. i was trying desperately to hold onto both. to Jack and work. work = money. work = satisfaction. work = value. work = happiness. i was GOOD at my job. i had worked so HARD. i went to school to DO something.

i quit that day.

i spent the next several months being an eager-excited-over-the-top stay at home momma. we hung out all over town. daily runs on the trails. story time. breakfasts at the local cafe. homemade dinners that could take all afternoon to make. a very clean house. organized closets.  weed-free gardens.

the time came to sell our house in Virginia and move to NY for a few years. once the house sold, i paid off the balance of my student loans so we could survive on a single income.

pivotal moment.

i was offered some writing jobs. and then more writing jobs. i could write well for search engines; something i had learned during my several years of recruiting. something about follow “these rules” and get “these results” that worked well for me! then clients asked if i could help them with their website issues. i learned HTML and dreamweaver. i learned design programs and starting entertaining myself and my clients with new graphic features. then my clients wanted full websites. 12-page websites with forms and links and content and images and oh my!

my hiatus of being a SAHM was nearly over.

it felt so good. liberating. the rewards of verbal satisfaction from my clients. putting my degree to work.

i launched a website for my new business. simple graphics + html-driven small business websites. now, almost 4 years later my business has grown by leaps. i added a developer last year that has helped to transform this business from average to amazing. i work late nights. long hours. i’ve kept up with the latest & greatest. i maintain several blogs + social media + connections.

we do not struggle maintaining a full schedule. i am not overwhelmed with seeking out new clients. not having enough time is the problem.

kids4

i find great value in reading client reviews. from random starbucks gift cards and packages arriving at the house with thanksgiving for a recent website launch.

some weeks… every day is filled with a nice little index card chocked full of tasks to greet me in the morning. will i ever catch up? will i ever go to bed peacefully not worrying about the next day?

Matthew 6:34: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

i know this verse all too well. my dad reminds me “don’t take life so seriously. it’s just a temporary situation.” and yet i still focus daily on exceeding client expectations — saying yes — doing more — offering more. i find my work so rewarding and interesting and exciting. it keeps me thinking. it inspires my design. it connects me with people. grown ups to have grown up conversations with.

i sometimes get caught in the trap. the lie. the comparison game. the needing to be more.

last week i had a “come to Jesus” meeting.

do you ever have those? they hit you square in the face. a gut punch. a simple concept with massive destruction. these chats come in those quiet moments of seeking. when life seems overwhelming. utter confusion.

matthew 11: 28-30: 28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

when i’ve lost my grip on the perfect balancing act. when i have no choice but to fall back into God’s hand and rest easily while He takes control. i am not sure why i take so long to fall back. to be less burdened. to be less concerned. because in this place i am weightless. for only He can carry us. <<<  read this incredible post by my sweet friend Kristin.

i felt the gentle nudge. the Spirit whisper.

my purpose. my only purpose    >>>>      care for Jack & Abigail.

kids5

WHAT?? that’s it?

just be a mom?

not a professional… not a girl with loads of friends… not a social media maven… not an amazing multi-tasker… not a yes-to-everyone-that-needs me…

& then it happened. the peace. the overwhelming peace as i cried out to God.

i am enough.

i am a mom.

i have been gifted with 2 lives.

i am to cherish each fleeting moment.

athomemomma2

& repeat

SAHMEnough

i do not have to worry. not about clothing or food or housing or finances.

matthew 6:26: Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

God’s got my back. as long as i obey His commands. obey my purpose: be a mom to these 2.

i sit here stunned at 11:55p. while my babes sleep. wide awake just long enough to finish this post. after a long night and a full day of caring for my sick little i can reflect back — i focused more. i offered more love. more time. more attention. more of me.

that’s all they want. to sit on my lap. to talk to me. to share with me.

i will try desperately to not worry about tomorrow… for tomorrow will worry about itself.

aimee-nov-2013

 

 

Comments

  1. I want to leave a comment to tell you how much I appreciate this post, but I don’t seem to have the right words. Just know, it’s one of my favorites.

    And I love that you named your car, but I love that you love your kids more than your car.
    ~FringeGirl

    • you are just so sweet. thank you for your comment. this was a hard post to write & then publish. these kids mean the world to me & i need to remember daily that they are first!

  2. Lady you are more than enough. You are full of grace and inspiration, and your children will be amazing for the time they’ve had with you.

    I love your story, and how obedient you have been. Well done good and faithful servant <3

    • thank you friend. your words mean so much to me. in reflection, i am certain that God was calling me sooner — it just took awhile to listen & make changes to obey!

  3. Such a timely post! I have been struggling with wanting to go faster, and arrive sooner. Thank you for the reminder that God has already entrusted me with the greatest job. Still it is hard not to want more sometimes, and it is hard to wait on timing.

    • kim, i am NOT patience by nature. i am desperate to accomplish many dreams all at the same time and as i try & fail, i am reminded that this is not the right timing.

  4. Tiffany Catalfamo says:

    Amy-
    Beautifully written, I too struggle every day with being enough for everyone in my life. you are so right about tomorrow!! I am glad your journey has connected us!
    Tiffany

  5. It is hard when you’re good at something to let it go for a season. The praise and adoration of our children sometimes doesn’t seem like enough. The realization that being a mom is most important has to come over and over again. We are human. We are blessed. You are awesome.

  6. I always envisioned myself as a mother, but one that could juggle more than just play dates, laundry, and dishes. I always thought that if I did more, it would mean I had more purpose. And let’s face it, the stigma of a SAHM isn’t a good one. BUT– it is the more important, and though this situation is different for everyone, it works for us. And I am happy to do it. Good for you, girl.

    • you are so great. i just love what you shared — it’s true, there is a stigma about being a SAHM and although some really proclaim it as their calling in life.. i have always struggled with it. i love that God finally got my attention — and although i will be more intentional, the core of me is still business, entrepreneur & driven! 🙂

  7. Tamara Eckstadt says:

    So well written! I wish I’d had that insight when my children were growing up. I feel like I missed out on so much in their lives because I was too busy with mine! (this was before I became a Christian) You’re two little ones are incredibly beautiful! Children are truly a blessing in a parent’s life… and then, so are grandchildren!

    • thank you Tamara!! they are such blessings and i feel i definitely owe it to them to be as present as i can – which sometimes means remove or delaying things that i love!

  8. Want to hug you right now! You are so blessed — love that you know that and embrace that. Enjoy every second you have with them… it’s your life’s work. 🙂
    xo Heidi

  9. i loved this line the most, “that’s all they want. to sit on my lap. to talk to me. to share with me.” so simple and so true.

  10. Rebecca Loaiza says:

    Hi, Old Friend! 🙂
    This post showed up on my Pinterest feed this evening and I am 100% convinced that Jesus put it there. Just today I made the decision to quit my job once again and be and do what God has called me to–a mommy to my boys. How encouraging to encounter a like-minded sister along this journey. Thanks for sharing. I’m so proud of you, Girl!!!
    Grace and Peace. <3

    • Sra. Loaiza — you are so sweet… and i LOVE that my post showed up in your feed. How great is that? I love your decision… a conviction to give up to give more to your boys; a true testament of faith sweet friend!!

  11. Amen!! Just had a beautiful moment with God as I read your blog. I had just finished my daily devotion, wrote down Matthew 6:34 on my prayer board in the kitchen and sat down to read a few blogs I follow while my babes were still having QT. I love how this verse appeared to me twice in less in than 30 minutes…yes, God, I will obey your command! Thank you for blogging and letting God speak to me through you! 🙂

    • oh Tracy — your words are so sweet. i love the acknowledgment when i am sharing something that i am burdened to share; especially when it’s not easy. thank you for sharing!!

  12. The proverbs 31 woman I see in the making… she is someone to aspire to and she had help! Bless the moms reading this post and I pray they will search their own hearts and know that they have the most important job on earth with: little or no pay, no bonus at years end, no praise, not even a new wardrobe for spring. You are AMAZING each of you. May your children call you blessed.
    Julie

    • hi sweet momma! you set a fine example to us as children — be have them, to raise them, to be present… and then to help provide. i love you & thankful for you!

  13. The difference between franchising yourself and just doing more is that you take the time to be strategic. 🙂

    • yes!! we don’t have the time to do more while fulfilling our purpose — but we can be smart strategic thinkers and implement ideas with a greater return!

  14. Wow, Aimee, I can’t thank you enough for sharing this. I’m sitting here in tears recalling my own “come to Jesus” that happened last August. I was so caught up in building my business, then something happened that took it all away. My priorities were suddenly reset and I heard a very clear message from God. My only purpose in this season of life is to be the best mom I can be. It won’t last forever but I’m called to do it now. Everything suddenly made sense. I’m still in the process of letting go and was thrown for another loop last week when I lost my corporate job after 14 years. But I’m trusting and obeying even more now than ever. I truly appreciate you sharing this reminder exactly when I needed it.

    • Alison,
      Thank you for sharing. Yes, a momma it is…. and when we’re not listening, God grabs our attention in anyway that He can; sometimes it hurts, but I think it’s means to take us where He wants to lead us. Trust girl, trust & obey.. there is no other way! 😉 Praying for you today. I know how tough that transition can be and I hope you can find some peace through this. If you ever want to talk out some plans, I’m available!!

  15. I have read this post literally 3 times since you wrote it. Each time you motivate me and also remind me that even when business seems to fall, when life gets in the way, I am enough. Thanks for the encouragement girl! Xoxo

    • YOU ARE ENOUGH! you so inspire me with your heart & your dreams & your life. and yes, when we are struggling… sometimes i think it’s God’s way of telling us to shift. right now i’m spending a lot of time shifting; back to the kids, back to my life, back to pursuing my passions!! cannot wait to catch up with you!

  16. Just what I needed today, as a tantalizing job option has had my attention this week. Siyonara, “doing” – “being” needs my full attention right now – being there for my husband, my kids, my friends, my MAF responsibilities.

    • i’m so glad you stopped by Liz! and yes “being” is SO important. leaving the legacy… more time with our children. more memories. more intentional moments to capture!

  17. Hi!
    Found your site through Pinterest! I LOVE this post, such a great reminder!!

  18. Aimee,
    Thank you for sharing! 5 years ago when my son was born, I wanted nothing more than to stay at home with him. We were not ready to live off 1 salary, so back to work I went. Over the years my business and clientele grew. Today I sit reading your post holding my 4 month old baby girl. While I now have the opportunity and privilege to stay at home, I am still struggling with letting go of what I have built up over the last few years. It will take some time I’m sure, but I feel there is nothing more important than being here with them while I have the chance!
    Thank you again for your thoughts and inspiration.

  19. LOVE this post! Thank you so much for sharing! I think most women are called to mothers 1st but choose material things over their children. Society tells us we need this and that to be good Mamas but you my friend hit the nail on the head. Matt.6:36

  20. Seriously.amazing!!!
    MY KIDS ARE most important!!! Ty for this post!!

  21. I came across this post on Pinterest. Just want to tell you that this post blessed me this a.m. As I get my day rolling, I shall strive to remember that ‘I am enough’. Thank you for being so transparent and allowing The Lord to use that transparency to bless others…myself.

  22. This is exactly what I needed to read…I am a new stay-at-home-mom and my closest friend constantly hounds me with “when will you go back to work?” “How do you and (my husband) do it?” “You really can work…you don’t have to not work.” This evening she kept on and on…I, being the introvert I am, answered her questions and simply kept repeating “it works for us.” “We budget well.” “(My husband) doesn’t want me to work.” (I have multiple health issues, I might add). Reading this makes me know that I am doing the right thing. I am enough. I am going back to school next year to finish my BS in Business (I only have a few classes remaining). I am going to find a work-from-home job. I can do this. THANK YOU for writing this!

  23. Stephanie says:

    This really hits me where I work (and mother, and play, and sleep). I am not quite where you are, but I can see myself getting there fast – much faster than maybe I can handle. I am current a graduate student with a three year old and two part time jobs, in and out of the home. It’s almost 2 AM and I am still not through. My little guy will be up in 6 hours (like clockwork). So, this post, this reminder that I found at http://affimity.com/#/sharedPost/7/9783, a reminder that I am enough, is perfect. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Trackbacks

  1. […] & abigail. the two littles that melt my heart with their glowing smiles & curious eyes. my purpose. that have taught me more about myself and my abilities. that have encouraged me to grow to their […]

  2. […] you can read more about my heart on this matter in a post called “am i enough?” […]

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