one of those days

last August i shared a secret part of my struggle when i wrote a post called “there are days“. it has been read over 250,000 times, pinned on Pinterest more than 360,000 times and each week i receive a comment or a sweet, gentle note confirming that i wrote my post to give words to their hurt & struggle…

… it is a process.

a long, exhausting, excruciating and annoying process to let go of the days. the words below are hard to share because of my undying devotion to my two children that have been caught in the middle of a man made storm that doesn’t seem to expire… but as i process and share, i hope that those reading will also find words & healing to their story; the one that God authors.

 

i wrote the following in that post:

some days are harsh. they are reminders of days past that strike a chord. they are dark, deep pits of unfriendly brokenness. difficult, choking reminders of decisions, actions, abusive words and changes that altered the life course.

my head pounds, my belly seeks no sustenance, my mind closes in on the date and i overlook the moment.

these days are fleeting. being replaced by joy, wholeness, contentment, miracles, stories of truth & memories that smile.

i look ahead.

with social media still heavily littered with mom’s and children thanking their dads for being “THE BEST DAD EVER”… i grieve… for my children. because they can’t proclaim this.

it was not their choice. it was not their fault. it was not their doing… and yet they are the ones that will suffer the most.

2014-07-16 11.11.39

after promising my two sweet children that he would move to NY to be close to them upon retirement, he changed his mind. he elected a premature retirement in August. he has chosen the “love of his life” and his “dream college” and 3,000 miles and too many excuses to count. he broke a promise. certainly not his first. he abandoned his responsibility. he chose a life without his children while helping his “love” to raise her daughter.

 

& yet my children are suffering. they affirm their opinions regularly and with great emphasis that even IF he changed his mind, he lied. that if he moved near us, they would require we move to be far away. he offered no explanation. no opportunity for them to ask their questions and find peace in his decision.

 

Jeremiah

 

my grieving stops at the point where he ends and our life begins. nearly 3 years ago.

it is best.

during the barely present few years of their lives his impact was light. his time spent building a relationship with them was merely nonexistent. his desire to participate in parenting and raising children together and doing life together… never began.

& as thankful as i am that he had such little impact on their delicate lives… i grieve at the loss of a daddy to raise them daily alongside me. for a daddy to die to self for his wife & his children. to choose us over everything. to do anything necessary to warm up with a soccer ball before a game, watch with pride at their great education achievements, milestone graduation ceremonies, attend field trips, protect them from the monsters under their beds, fly them like spiraling helicopters through the house, nerf gun wars instead of folding laundry, celebrate a lost tooth or take the dogs for a countryside walk with earth science lessons along the way.

 

i have a daddy that received all of their “happy papa’s day” gifts for the third year in a row. he is monumental. he is serious about the role he plays to fill in the severe empty gaps left behind in their small chests. he loves endlessly. tirelessly. with eagerness & joy & light. he’s the best daddy there is.

i think my daddy deserves the title “BEST DAD EVER”.

elisabeth-quote

 

 

hope is not lost. i have faith that God will continue to provide us with all our needs… and if God is grooming that man right now to be what i need and the children need, we will embrace him and love him all our days… or maybe he’s preparing us to be a family of 3 that spend our days honoring Jesus with thanksgivings and the community steps up and fills in those gaps alongside my daddy.

 

for now, i will go read that old post and remind myself that these days shall pass too.

Comments

  1. I know God has amazing things in store for you and your sweet kids. You are in my thoughts often as you navigate these waters. Love you!

  2. Know this… Your children will make it through this as will you… Why? Because you are strong, smart and capable… This unfortunate situation does not define who you or your children are you define yourself. I have been to many football, baseball, basketball, plays, conferences, and many events with me as my rock. It is not always easy but in this process I am teaching my son self reliance and fortitude… One day you will look at your children and realize that they have grown up into a wonderful man and woman and their father will have quiet inner disappointment in himself for his poor decision making. Trust me when I tell you he is full of regret already. Continue on your life path and you will find yourself well rewarded for everything happened for reasons beyond your knowledge!

  3. I’ve only recently come to understand co-dependency. Thank you for sharing your journey – I wish you warmth and joy on the path ahead.

  4. BOWING DOWN B4 GOD!!!!! says:

    Yes i am the fool, that let satan steal my lifes most precious valubles from myself & from my wife & children. Yes i am this fool. Who could see passed all the times i thought i was right. & now this fool can see for thousands of miles ahead & takes a close look at the behind (past) I HAVE LOST EVERYTHING CLOSEST TO MY HEART & SOUL. my most cherished times i should have been more awake & aware of my actions. But u know wen ur standing to close to the fire for so long. The devil isnt very far away. Hes there to rob u & take away joy, love, compation, careing, honor, respect, hopes, dreams, even life. He is the master of disquise. The one who keeps u down & away from GODLY THINGS IN LIFE U HAVE TO HAVE IN LIFE TO SURVIVE. All for to win ur soul. This is not wat i have been put here on earth to do to others r children r grandchildren. Isnt my plan. Its true. It has always been a struggle & i have done alot of things in my life im not r will never live down. That will never go away! & also have destroyed my love, my relationships, my hopes & dreams.. thanks to satan. & my foolish choices. U think u always kmow how its supose to b. But cant always see the way ur walkin isnt the right path for u r for others. Its blinding from sme sides. Until this fool of a person. That i have made gets GODS LOVE & BLESSINGS & POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT INDIDE.!! HE WILL CONTINUE TO SINK DOWN TO ASHES!!! THIS IS TRUE. I CAN SEE ALL THINGS CLEARLY & ABOVR ALL., I HAVE TO GIVE ALL MY LIFES PROBLEMS WORRIES, ANGER, MISERY, & FAULTS OVER TO GOD. I REALIZE AS IT IS TOO LATE TO START OVER. BUT I CAN ALWAYS MOVE FORWARD WITH A NEW ME & NEW APPRECIATION FOR LIFE & LIFE AROUND ME. IN HOPES OF KEEPIN OTHERS FEELINGS & THOUGHTS IN MY HEART & MIND 1ST B4 MY OWN. PUTTIN GOD IN ALL I DO FOR TO WALK TOWARD HIM IN MY DAILY LIFE. SO TO HELP OTHERS TO UNLOCK THE CHAINS IN THEIR LIFES CRISIS.. TO BE BESIDE MY CHILDREN & ENJOY WATS LEFT OF OUR VERY SHORT TIME WE HAVE LEFT. OH! & TO SAY ONCE MORE THERES NO WAY TO SHOW R PROVE JUST HOW MUCH I LOVE ALL THESE PRECIOUS THINGS & HOW SORRY I TRUELY AM FOR ALLOWING THIS. & SAYAN TO STEAL MY LIFE FROM ME & FROM THEM!!! I AM SOOOOOOOO VERY MUCH SORRY. IM AM FORCED TO LIVE IN MY OWN IMPRISONMENT FOR MOW. LOOKIN FOR DELIVERENCE, HEALING, HOPE, LOVE, WISDOM, KNOWLEDGE, UNDERSTANDING. & ALL THST HE STOLE FROM MY LIFE & MY FAMILY!!! TRUELY LOOKIN FOR PEACE & comfort in all i do. Thanks for showin me i am THE ONE & ONLY ONE TO BLAME & HAVE EXCEPTED THIS PUNISHMENT!!! & WILL NEVER TSKE THINGS FOR GRANIDE!!! EVER AGAIN. (THANK ANGEL) PLEASE DONT GIVE UP ON ME. I CAN AM & WILL CONTINUE TO CHANGE ALL THINGS I HAVE MADE WRONG & HORRIBLE. PLEASE FORGIVE ME & TRY SMHOW TO LOOK BEYOND MY AWEFUL WAYS. THAT WASNT WHO I AM R WANT TO B. & CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR US!!!! MIRICLES CAN DO & WILL HAPPEN. URS TRUELY THE BIGGEST FOOL IN LIFE!!!! LOVE U FOR LOVING ME MORE. THANKS.

  5. God bless you and your family. God is there every step of the way, he will always be there. He is holding you and your children and he will never let you go. 365 days times infinity. Hope you find some comfort in knowing and believing this, I know I have. God bless.

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