adjusting my sails…

if we are living in His will, we are where we should be.

… so we are planted wholly & deeply in His will and not of our own.

i want this. to live solely in His will. because my will is not a good idea. at all.

it’s been 3 months of living in NY. 9 months separated. years and years of single-parenting the sweetest kids God ever created.

i have been adjusting my sails… and adjusting… and adjusting. my heart has been broken. my “family” and “home” and “vows” and “normal” have been scarred. laying desolate at the feet of Jesus… while i yearn to carry this burden to prove my dignity. my drive. my determination. my unwillingness to cave. my unwillingness to waiver. my deep seeded desire to protect.

my years of commitment and adoration and love and respect and hope… have been removed as though my actions were never received.

as i adjust — my layers are being peeled back to reveal someone i do not know…

i grip the layers out of bitterness and hurt.

anxiously, eagerly, cautiously and with great awareness… i wait. i wait. i wait.

& while i wait. i photograph. i missed NY desperately. as i adjust my sails to accept where i am today… i write lists of things about this place that bring joy and smiles and giggles. this place that i have come back to in order to find comfort and seek peace. and yet days are long and nights are long and parts of me are not accepting this. but my notes of thanksgivings and my photos are a reminder. a gentle nudge for today.

God is good. He is worthy of our praise & thanksgiving. this hurt and anguish and frustration… it too will pass.

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Comments

  1. Aimee, I’m sorry for your pain. I’m praying for you. I’m so glad you are home and have the support of your parents. I have been single parenting for 13 years now. Divorced for 10. Those 3 years were some of the hardest, but at the same time I wouldn’t trade lessons learned for anything. I won’t lie – it was hard. But God is faithful, He is good, and His will is best & worth waiting for. (((hugs))) from a mom God has on the same path.

  2. Aimee, your words are beautifully written and my heart aches for you as I read this. I SO wish the distance between us was closer so we could meet for coffee! You are an inspiration, a wonderful mother, and you are so so loved.

    • thank you Julie. i could definitely use a coffee date with you. thank you for always being so encouraging and welcoming to my chaos. having a friend like you has been powerful!!

  3. What a beautifully written post Aimee. Going through a most painful trial is like being stripped clean of all that we knew and held secure, but you are are so right to keep holding close to The Lord. He will love and guide you through, and carry the weight when you cannot.

    Your photos are stunning. Just gorgeous. Thank you for sharing. Mark is heading to Syracuse with my youngest daughter to visit his parents, leaving Sunday. He takes one kid back every year. Very excited for how beautiful it will be when they get there!

    • you bless me. thank you Karen. & thank you for the sweet photo compliment too… i have really enjoyed capturing some sweet moments and the beauty of NY. i don’t even want to forget how beautiful being home is!

      the weather is PERFECT this week for a fall visit… okay, more like a summer visit… but it’s better than frost and snow for you NorCal folks! 😉

  4. My heart hurts for you Aimee, but it is so inspiring to see you cling to the Lord. Praying for you.

  5. YOU amaze me! I love your faith, your strength! Your ability to say GOD is good through this hard trek-such an inspiration!! GOD has given you great strength and it shows! I find myself homesick for WNY too and am hoping that someday soon when I am feeling the need to go “home”, I can.

  6. So proud of you. I can’t begin to know what you’re going through, and yet I ache for you all the same. How lucky your children are to have you, and how lucky you are to have yourself. You will look back in a year or two, I’m sure, and be stronger, happier and in an even better place than you are now. I just know it. Hugs!

  7. Oh my, Aimee. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this! I had no idea you were back in NY for good. When I last saw you were coming here I thought it was for a visit. Glad you are where you are happy! Hang in there, you’ll get through this, God wouldn’t leave you high and dry 😉

  8. John and Mary says:

    Dear Aimee,
    As I was browsing through your website, I read, with heavy heart about the heartache you have had to endure. Jack and Abbey are beautiful and I am so happy that your business is fairing the storm. We are truly in shock because you know how we felt about all of you. You are strong in your faith, and God will get you through the rough times. You are a wonderful MOM, and the children are so lucky to have you.. We were so thrilled to get the pic of Jack and Abbey. They are truly beautiful children. Regards to your parents. Stay strong!! .Thinking and praying for you. Love – John and Mary] ..

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  1. […] … i am setting it all down until February. all of it. the work requests. the paid clients. the desire to work every spare second of the day {which, trust me, it isn’t much anymore with single-parenting 2 kids!}… […]

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