if we are living in His will, we are where we should be.
… so we are planted wholly & deeply in His will and not of our own.
i want this. to live solely in His will. because my will is not a good idea. at all.
it’s been 3 months of living in NY. 9 months separated. years and years of single-parenting the sweetest kids God ever created.
i have been adjusting my sails… and adjusting… and adjusting. my heart has been broken. my “family” and “home” and “vows” and “normal” have been scarred. laying desolate at the feet of Jesus… while i yearn to carry this burden to prove my dignity. my drive. my determination. my unwillingness to cave. my unwillingness to waiver. my deep seeded desire to protect.
my years of commitment and adoration and love and respect and hope… have been removed as though my actions were never received.
as i adjust — my layers are being peeled back to reveal someone i do not know…
i grip the layers out of bitterness and hurt.
anxiously, eagerly, cautiously and with great awareness… i wait. i wait. i wait.
& while i wait. i photograph. i missed NY desperately. as i adjust my sails to accept where i am today… i write lists of things about this place that bring joy and smiles and giggles. this place that i have come back to in order to find comfort and seek peace. and yet days are long and nights are long and parts of me are not accepting this. but my notes of thanksgivings and my photos are a reminder. a gentle nudge for today.
God is good. He is worthy of our praise & thanksgiving. this hurt and anguish and frustration… it too will pass.